Ed. Newsline is committed to providing a space for all people living with AIDS, and we work especially hard to ensure that the voices of those otherwise silenced be given the opportunity to be heard. When we decided to do a special issue on AIDS in Prison (September 1995), we had no idea how needed and well-received it would be. As a result, we have received an outpouring of letters and personal testimonies from prisoners. We are very encouraged to know that we are reaching a population that is marginalized and often dismissed in this epidemic, and encourage anyone who has the desire and the ability to write to us. Keep those letters coming!
an abundance of love
by Joann Feliciano AKA Pagan
Hi Newsline:
I,m writing from a cell in Bayview Correctional Facility. I,ve just finished reading your September 1995 issue and I got inspired to write.
I was first diagnosed with HIV in June of 1991 when I was in Albion Correctional Facility. At that time I honestly believe that HIV positive inmates were getting better help than now. Today I have full-blown AIDS with cervical and intestinal cancer, epilepsy and asthma, but I fight this with everything I,ve got and more. I,ve experienced more death in jail than in all my few days in the streets.
Today I am a certified AIDS/HIV counselor, and doing so much time has given me the opportunity to get my peers educated through me. We have a support group here called REACH and the lady that helps us keep this group going is an angel. Her name is Mrs. Goff and she is so non-judgmental that it astounds me. I,m here in a program called "Staying Out T.C.I.o/oo and even though I don,t use drugs I have the behaviors of an addict. Here I get so much support sometimes I don,t want to go home. I have three peer sisters who are very pushy when it comes to me being sick and I would like to thank them. V. McCray, J. Gray, P. Chase, and also my wonderful counselors here at T.C.I., R. Sanders and my gremlin who is really raw and bold, Denise Williams ~ Thank you. But there is one person who I have chosen to live my life with, her name is Betsy Concepcion. She has given me the will and the strength to kick this up the butt with her love. In all my nine years of incarceration, I,ve never loved a woman as much as I love her and she guides me when I feel like giving up. I,ve been lonely all my life, especially with this disease but today I,ve had an abundance of love from her and if she ever reads this ~ know, Betsy, that your love and my fight keep me alive. Here we have a Dr. Shethy from Spellman Clinic, Sherri who takes our blood (I call her Mrs. Dracula), Virginia our GYN Madame. They are so special and take their time and they really, really try to ease our pain. There are so many people from the outside that want to and do help us but the facility itself sucks. I have no problem telling anyone that I have AIDS, but these officers don,t care about themselves let alone an inmate. Bayview was introduced to me as the "Drugs and Sex Hotel,o/oo and I believe that most, not all, these officers should get drug screened because most of them are on drugs. But God forbid you complain to the Captain or Superintendent ~ that,s a no-no. But I,m fighting the system and this disease, so if they hold my freedom for speaking my mind, oh well. They took my freedom, not my speech, and if I have to yell at the top of my lungs I will, but the truth will be said. Today I,m getting ready to go on a few furloughs with the help of God, but before I sign off I would like to say something to my son Canito. You are my world and my fight comes from wanting to see you grow up into a wonderful man. You are 14 years old and you know I am your mother and you know I am dying but you love me anyway. You are in Puerto Rico teaching your age group what I,ve taught you and I just want to say I love you and I,m so, so proud of you. Thank you Newsline for giving me the opportunity to yell at the top of my lungs. You have made a dream come true! To Carmen Lopez, my jail mom, I love and miss you. we are not aloneby Carmen VasquezDear Newsline: I hope when this letter reaches all of you at Newsline, it finds you in the very best of health. As for myself I am better than ever, thanks to all of you at Newsline. I have now learned to accept life. Also I want to thank you for being there for me every time when I am down and out and call the hotline. (Ed. The AIDS in Prison Project runs a hotline, (212) 674-0800. Prisoners can call collect on Tuesdays and Thursdays, from 3:00 to 8:00 pm.) Willie, Freddie and Mary make me feel very special. You give me the inspiration to make me want to be where you are today. Like I wrote in my previous articles, I once felt alone but now I have all of you at Newsline and the hotline. You all have taught me that I can do it. I would also like to thank Willie for coming to Albion Correctional Facility and letting us all know that life goes on and that we are not alone. Willie is very special to us. He made so many women here at Albion come out of denial. Seeing that he made it made them believe that they can do it also. Willie, his wife and son, and all of you at the hotline and Newsline are a gift of life to this earth. I would also like to mention to all the brothers and sisters who are incarcerated never to feel alone. Everything happens for a reason. As long as we keep fighting for what we believe in we,ll be al"left" because believe it or not, God is with us 100%. This is for one of my incarcerated brothers, Danny Diaz. Thank you for your kind words. It doesn,t matter if you are behind a wall, you are still my brother. I would also love for you to write to me and perhaps your fire will light the torch in my struggle and desire to stay alive. Thank you. To all the ladies in the free world who feel like no one cares, I want you all to know that I was there once and it is no joke. If you need help, ask for it! And if no one ever told you ~ you are someone! So thank you again Newsline for coming into my life. I have seven months to go and will do whatever it takes to stay drug free and alive. Yours truly, Carmen Vasquez, #95G0008
still strivingby Carrie RodriguezHi readers, I recently wrote an article on keeping on in prison (June 1995). Well since then, I,ve been moved from Rikers Island to Bedford Hills Correctional Facility to Camp Beacon! Camp Beacon, how can I describe this place? Well for starters, it,s no place for anyone who is HIV positive and symptomatic. They work you hard chopping trees, painting in 90 degree weather, etc. It,s no joke. The medical staff in my opinion aren,t educated well enough on PWAs in general. I thank God some special friends introduced me to this wonderful and educational magazine, Newsline. I,m always up-to-date on any news there is! Here at this camp it is very hard to get what you need, or I should say, what you are entitled to. Being HIV positive for six years I have overcome my denial and do reach out to my fellow PWAs here in the prison! Many aren,t comfortable enough to come forward, and I don,t blame them because we,re lacking in education on every issue. We,re lacking more volunteers to come to Beacon. As of today we only have one program once a week and even with that these people here don,t work to extend the program! I,ve read so much and continue to do so. I,ve gotten responses from fellow inmates who feel as I do. I would love to hear from anyone who has any ideas or information that maybe I haven,t received. As far as Danny Vasquez, I love it when I see a fellow PWA take charge and fight in prison (Ed. Danny Vasquez has written numerous informative articles for Newsline regarding prison conditions and self-empowerment for PWAs.) You know it,s almost better than an orgasm. Smile. My son is now 16 months old and he,s healthy as ever! If, as I have said, anyone, incarcerated or not, is interested in writing me I would really love to hear from you! Sincerely, Carrie Rodriquez, #95-9-0859 no need for denialby Francine RodriquezI,m HIV positive. I,m here to share with you my feelings and emotions about this virus. I,ve been diagnosed since 1989. I learned of my results while I was incarcerated. I was devastated. I thought it was the end of the world. I never had any pre- or post-test counseling about the virus so there were things I didn,t know. I went home in 1991 and chose to forget the virus I lived with. I was in denial, of course. I told my parents but they were very uneducated at the time and they were also afraid. I accepted their fear. While outside I continued to do the negative things. After all I was going to die, wasn,t I? Outside my T-cell count remained in the 1000 range, so I had nothing to worry about. I was still in denial. I decided to tell the man I was involved with before our relationship developed any further. So I took the chance and told him, not knowing what to expect from him. He didn,t lash out, yell or freak. He put his arms around me and told me he loves me and will always be by my side. That I couldn,t understand. And on June 21, 1994, we were married. I then again became incarcerated, in September, 1994. I was rescued. Yet I still lived in denial. When they spoke about people with the virus I laughed with them. For I had the fear that if I told others I would stand alone. While on Riker,s Island (a New York City jail) I started trial. My T-cell count fell to 715. Holy shit! It started to hit me that the virus was affecting me but still I had no symptoms. I was safe. I blew trial and was sentenced to 6-12. I arrived at Bedford Hills Correctional Facility on June 29. Denial still lived in me and my burden was getting heavier. The first person that I opened up to and told about the virus was a close friend of mine. Yes, the fear of rejection was there. But I needed to speak to someone about it. I wasn,t on good terms with my family. They were hurt. My friend told me about ACE (AIDS Counseling and Education). She told me they had a support group. I was afraid. I didn,t want others to know. So I took a chance and asked her to help me. She agreed. I met Kathy and we spoke one-on-one. After I dropped my heavy load on her she hugged me. I couldn,t understand it, but she hugged me. I attend the support group every Tuesday and Thursday and it feels great. My burden has been lifted. The ladies in the group have been very caring, loving and understanding towards me and this disease. I came a long way. I still have a long journey ahead of me. I have seen the doctor and he has informed me that my T-cell count has dropped to 628 and I should take AZT and ddI. I couldn,t understand why I had to take medication if I had no symptoms. I picked up the medication and I haven,t taken it. I,m debating. I never wanted to take medication before. But now I,m in a rut. I don,t know if I should take the medication or not. I asked my family and they said the decision was mine. Oh, they have been very supportive and they got educated. I don,t want to die but yet I don,t want to take the medication. I seek the advice of my peers in the support group. The decision is mine. There are many questions still unanswered about these drugs, AZT and ddI. Sometimes we must make decisions in life that will affect us for the good or for the bad. There is no need for me to be in denial anymore. I can speak out. I,m not ashamed. It is not an isolated issue, it is reality. It is here today and until there is a cure, there is support.
take a stand for the sistersby Priscilla Marrero AKA Ramona Gittens, #94G0814Dear Newsline: Hi! I,m presently incarcerated at Taconic Correctional Facility and I,m HIV positive. I just finished reading the September 1995 Newsline. Many of the articles about the struggles AIDS/HIV peer counselors/educators go through reflect a lot of what I go through in this facility. I am an AIDS/HIV peer counselor/educator at the CARE program here. When I read about the lack of medical services at other facilities, it makes me say that even though the medical here isn,t at its best, I,m thankful for the treatment I receive. For my sisters and brothers who aren,t as fortunate, I pray that they will hear the cries and noise that affected and infected people who are outside these walls make for us. I am one of the many African-American/Hispanic women who take a stand for the sisters who are sick or in denial. They can feel safe that I or someone in the CARE office will fight to get them to sick call when they wake up with a fever, and just don,t know how to let the corrections officer know that it,s a life or death thing. I do not do it only because I share the anger, fear, worry, hope and pressures around me, but because I know that we are human and are able to be loved and cared for. We have concerns for ourselves and give the same to others ~ even if we have made wrong choices in life and must pay for these choices with our lives now! I want it to be known to my many brothers and sisters that this fight we fight is one shared throughout the country with strong-willed and whole-hearted real people, infected and affected alike, giving time, energy, caring at all costs for a real cause ~ for people living with AIDS/HIV who are still living and for those who are still to become infected if we don,t get to them and for those who have died. I want to give thanks from the depths of my heart to Dept. Hester, Maeya Carr, Mindy Lenetek, Sam River and all the staff at the Women,s Prison Association for everything they do through the CARE office here in Taconic and the ACE office in Bedford Hills, and the people who are in the free world struggling with this virus. Thanks to Newsline for giving me and my brothers and sisters a way to strengthen each other behind these walls of prison and to speak out to society. a healthy attitudeby Karne WiegeraDear Newsline: I was and am impressed with the September 1995 issue. This issue goes beyond the norm and has touched a nerve that compels me to finally speak out and share the personal treatment I,ve received being HIV positive and under the cloak of the Bureau of Prisons (Federal System). Upon entering the B of P on a revocation, I made the medical staff aware of my HIV diagnosis and have come to find out that it is the medical staff that reveals an inmate,s HIV status to the officials rather than the officers sharing what they learn through monitoring outgoing mail. While at one of the medical facilities, I expressed my desire to give presentations on HIV/AIDS to Drug Abuse Program groups, as I had done this in the past at another institution, where those efforts met with great success. Anyhow, the reaction of the staff at the Federal Medical Center (FMC) was to have me psychologically evaluated. Wow! Talk about being surprised, but then, when an inmate wishes to help other inmates, the B & P frowns on this simply because it is not a politically correct thing to do. I,ve met with mixed results where medical doctors within the B & P knew what they were doing. At one FCI the MD had prescribed AZT when my CD4 count declined to 600. The Feds prescribe this at 500. I requested to see the pharmacist to learn about AZT and the first thing the pharmacist said was, "If I were in your shoes, they could not pay me to take AZT!o/oo Enough said. The medical staff where I am now go out of their way to assist me. I,m prescribed multi-vitamins, they,ve encouraged outside assistance and have made it possible for me to receive visits and pen pals through the local AIDS volunteers. The local MD informed me that the B & P is now looking at allowing the use of ddI as well. To me, that,s a plus because they are at least making some progress with prescribing something other than AZT. To all of my follow positive inmates (male or female) throughout ~ I encourage you to find someone trustworthy and share your thoughts. Maintain a low profile and a healthy attitude and shove aside thoughts of giving up. To those of you that are soon to be released, or are already out, don,t forget about those "left" behind, help them in their struggle to survive. They are only $.32 away and to receive mail means so much. Take care and remain steadfast.
Last modified: 1/7/96 |
