grief
Grief is a normal response to losing something or someone we care a lot about. The more we invest emotionally, the more intense our feelings of grief will be. It does not matter if you have lost a job, a pet, your health, a loved one, or anything you can think of. You will experience grief on many different levels, with the death of a loved one evoking the most intense feelings of grief.
Grieving is a process. This process is neither good nor bad, neither right nor wrong. Usually grief is cyclic ~ there is often a balance between misery and relief, between sorrow and growth. Give yourself time, as there is no specific ending to this process.
elements of grief
The most common first response to bad news or loss is shock. The body may shut down, block out, or close itself off. People may say they feel numb, paralyzed or unfeeling. The mind, in response to a truth that cannot be tolerated, moves away. This may trigger denial because feelings are so painful we make believe that they are not real; that the loss simply hasn,t happened.
Soon the truth returns and so do other feelings. Feelings of despair, sadness, and loneliness may seem to engulf us. As this constant reminder of what has happened keeps coming to mind we may experience pain beyond belief. We may even experience physical pain in the chest which feels as if we,ve been stabbed in the heart. We may then experience anger and rage. It is common to look for someone to blame, to be consumed by a sense of unfairness. We can feel angry at doctors, family, friends, God, or ourselves: "How and why did this happen?o/oo At this point we may feel guilt as well. Thoughts such as, "If only I had...o/oo or "I should have...o/oo commonly accompany feelings of guilt.
Hopelessness seems to overwhelm us. We feel stuck in the depths of sadness and loss. We lose sight of the possibilities for the future. We lose our sense of direction. We tell ourselves that it will never be okay, that we will never get used to it. We feel sorry for ourselves, often withdrawing from friends and loved ones.Sometimes all we can see is pain, sorrow, and loss.
What to do? Cry and wail! Get it out ~ it is a normal process. We can whimper, yell, scream, shudder, and weep some more. We can express our grief, our sadness, and our pain in whatever way we can, letting the feelings out. Some of us who are not used to showing our feelings may not show any emotion at all. We keep all the pain inside, often damaging ourselves.
Those of us who internalize our emotions may become depressed and have trouble doing ordinary things. It may become a major chore to get out of bed and brush our teeth. As time goes on, the pain may become so great that we may think of ending our lives. We may picture ourselves dying or committing suicide.
We may get angry: yelling at strangers while we are driving; shouting at cashiers or waiters and waitresses; kicking the dog; taking it out on co-workers or loved ones. Or we may rage at ourselves, behaving in self-destructive ways: overeating; drinking alcohol or using other drugs; generally abusing ourselves. In our process of grieving, most of us eventually reach a point of relief, acceptance, resolution, or reintegration. At this time, even though the pain still can be felt, we adapt sufficiently to be able to tolerate it. We are then ready to get on with our lives.
getting stuck
There are certain things that keep us from moving through grief. Some of us get stuck along the path toward acceptance. Instead what we are left with is continued grief that does not let up, does not subside, and does not end. This happens if we don,t acknowledge and accept the loss, if we are unwilling to let go of who or what we cared about ~ whether it be health, a loved one, or a career.
Why do we get stuck? Some of us had painful losses early in life that we never worked through. For us, current loss taps into all of the unresolved emotions we never dealt with during earlier losses. Perhaps many losses happened in close time frames, such as more than one loved one dying in one month or being abandoned by friends, family, or a partner. So we are unable to deal with this new loss because the combined grief is too big.
Some of us, for many different reasons, have a difficult time coping with life. We are less able to handle stress and loss, perhaps due to our temperament or nature. Emotions get mixed up and we are unable to sort through them and make sense of them. Grief overwhelms us and upsets what was previously only a shaky balance. Another reason why many of us get stuck in grief is that we lack support systems or do not feel supported in our grief by the world.
managing grief
Healing is vital! We must not become stuck in denial, making believe the feelings do not exist while they eat away at us. We especially need to guard against relapsing into old behaviors such as getting drunk, doing drugs, overspending, overeating or not eating, and any other acts that abuse our bodies and our spirits. We deserve a lot of credit for allowing ourselves this natural grieving process. It takes a lot of courage to feel feelings, and it is not easy. Here are some ways to handle the kinds of feelings that may come up.
- Most importantly, we must learn to be patient and gentle with ourselves. We must allow the process to happen, and allow the pain to run its course. Then we can move on. This takes time! There is no formula or timetable we can depend on for guidance. People experience loss differently and need to value and validate their own process.
- Having people around helps us through the grief process. This can be seen in the interactions of a support group. Being alone in our grief condemns us to be alone with our pain. For most of us, sharing the pain helps lessen the feelings for a time. Most of us will also need some time alone.
- There are four phases of recovery from painful loss: learning, feeling, taking action, and accepting. It is helpful to know about the experience, to have a sense of what is happening and what we are likely to experience.
- Sooner or later, we need to feel the feelings. We need to experience the fullness of the loss, the sadness, and the pain. It may be helpful to experience anger, even if seems unreasonable. It,s important to examine it, express it, share it with someone else, and, eventually, when ready, let it go.
- After we have experienced the depth of our feelings, it is time to act. We can talk about the feelings we,re having, join a support group, write our feelings down (journaling), change some things about our life. Also, we can do things like going for long walks, listening to nice music, cooking a healthy meal, reading some fiction, going to a movie, or anything that involves taking positive action.
- Acceptance is a goal of the grief process after experiencing losses. True acceptance means forgiving ourselves for not being the perfect parent, lover, sibling, or friend. (It means, when we are ready, letting go of our anger ~ at ourselves, our loved ones, and God.) Acceptance includes saying good-bye to what we have lost. It means we remember unfinished business and allow it to remain as it is. The wounds heal, the pain subsides, and we are left with the healing scars and memories. Acceptance also means lifting our heads and looking forward. It does not necessarily mean a happy ending. Time does not necessarily heal all wounds, but it helps. The painful feelings become less raw and more tolerable. Life opens up to us again, if we allow it.
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