PWAC: from the editor

from the editor

I have died many times to be reborn into a different person. The day I tested positive for HIV the person I was before died, and a new, stronger person was reborn. Every time I lose a friend to AIDS, a part of me dies and a part is reborn. Every time I experience a new health issue, a part of my spirit dies leaving a place for new parts to be born. What the hell does this mean? It means life is filled with change and disappointment. It means that no matter what I will experience pain and grief that will continue to mold me into the person I am and want to be.

This month,s Newsline focuses on the difficult issues of grief. But, don,t think it will be a bummer, for it is necessary to address feelings that are scary and uncomfortable. I asked Jeanne Mischo, who has contributed her art work many times in the past to do the cover. Jeanne asked me what the lead story was so she could stick with the theme. I told her it was grief. A week later Jeanne sends the cover and on the front are the words "Grief and Healing.o/oo "Wow,o/oo I thought! Jeanne, who does not work in the field of AIDS but is very dedicated, looked to the solution of grief ~ Healing! I love the word healing because it evokes a feeling of closure to the pain that grief brings.

I want to share a personal story about me with you. In September my lover decided to leave our relationship. She told me on the phone from back home that she couldn,t do it. I was shocked, angry, hurt, and felt utter abandonment. I must be honest in expressing that I really did think I was going to die the following week. I had moments when I sat on the floor in my apartment and cried like a baby. I had moments when I wished I would just get sick and die. I was, for the first time in my life, allowing myself to be in the moment and feel my pain.

You see, it became clear that all these intense feelings of pain were not solely because I had been abandoned. All my pain seemed fresh, but also old pain from years of grief engulfed me. It took this person who I was willing to share the rest of my life with to say to me "I do not want you,o/oo to get me into a place that is allowing me to heal and discover a new me. It is not easy! I have had to reach out to other I barely know. I was forced to stop calling back home due to an expensive phone bill and reach out to new friends in New York. It was odd to cry and be vulnerable with these new friends. But, they were so supportive and continue to be.

Let me tell you something that sounds a bit crazy. After losing so many friends to AIDS I began to pull away from others. I then found myself in a relationship where I focused all my love and attention on this one person. I had some idea that if I invested myself in one person I would have control over being left. Now I can clearly see that I depended way too much on this person. I also had this illusion that whenever I died I could somehow take her with me. This illusion told me that AIDS was our disease and it not only belonged to me, it also belonged to her. But now it is only mine, and I am terrified.

So, this grief process thing is a constant flowing of day-to-day emotions. No matter what happens or who I interact with in my life, I am still one individual that belongs to me. It seems that the core issues of my feelings relate back to my own issues of grief and loss. All my grief is not just about loss of friends to AIDS or my grieving of the loss of my health, it goes back to my childhood. I have experienced many losses in life dating back to when I lost my favorite stuffed monkey.

If I do not allow myself to let the natural process of grief run it,s course then I will act out in ways that are not healthy. I have learned that it is a daily maintenance of recognizing my feelings, validating them, sharing with others and then releasing them. This is a constant roller-coaster for me and at times I feel like a failure. Sometimes I think I am weak and I need to just be stronger. Then other times I think that I dwell too much on the past.,/p>

It is difficult to have so many losses and still be reminded of them by a song, a smell, a voice, or anything that my trigger my memories. The most difficult thing for me to deal with on a daily basis is the constant reminder that the very thing that has taken away so many of my friends will some day take me away too. At times, I look into the mirror and see utter terror in my eyes. At times, I see the pain having AIDS has brought me. Then I catch a glance of myself and see a growing, healing woman filled with courage and strength.

Last night my dearest friend Martina from San Francisco told me on the phone that a friend of ours had died on October 17. I instantly started to cry. I could see Michelle,s sweet face in my mind and remembered the wonderful conversations we had. Today I feel very sad and miss Michelle and all the others I have been blessed to know. Tomorrow, perhaps, I will be angry, and scream. The next day who knows? It,s just a process that I am willing to take part in. Peace seems to come to me, and I at times am able to make sense of all the pain and sadness.

Someone once told me that to experience joy and happiness to the fullest then you must also be willing to embrace the pain and sadness. I am experiencing all these feelings, and healing is taking place in my life. I now look at grief as an opportunity to grow and evolve. But, I continue to take positive actions that will enable me to move through my days as gracefully as possible. I did not realize that committing to this process enhances the quality of my life. Quality of life is one of my main goals because the quantity of my days are not guaranteed.

In this issue is an article about the AIDS Walkathon at the Bedford Hills Correctional Facility. Both Mary Cotter and myself went to this event and we were amazed. I want to express that this day of my life was one of the most amazing I have experienced. These women, who are faced with problems I can not relate to, are resilient and have a strength that inspires me. I feel honored to have been able to join them and share our pain about the ones we have loved and lost to AIDS. There was a moment in the day when all the laughter and talking stopped as someone read the names of women and children who had died from AIDS. To see these women lean on one another was a gift to me. I feel blessed for having been there and experienced this event, and will continue to dwell on that moment as is gives me strength.

I am proud of this month,s issue. Even though it was emotionally difficult to pull together I think Mary and I did a fine job bringing to you issues and solutions to dealing with grief. We also were thrilled that so many letters were sent for the Prisoners Perspective. We will continue to be committed to the issues of those incarcerated living with HIV/AIDS. Thank you to those people who shared personal stories with us. After all that,s what it is about, leaning on one another, because we all are voices that make one big voice that must be heard!

to index