PWAC: sounding off

sounding off

Ed. The following story is a graphic, albeit, in our opinion, on-target and necessary polemic about sex and PWAs. While we never have intentions to offend, more importantly, we exist to preserve the right of PWAs to speak our minds about topics that matter to us. So while some of you may find the following dialogue disagreeable, please keep in mind that the voices of all people living with AIDS have a right to be heard, and that sex and sexuality are a part of our lives, no matter what some people would like to believe or to enforce. Besides, we wanted to make sure that you,re paying attention.

Dirty Talk

by Paul Walker

Max and Bob were sitting at their favorite Chelsea gay bar one evening, drinking their second martinis. Because they were both taking antiviral medications, they had agreed to a three-drink apiece limit once a month. This seemed therapeutic to them both.

"It,s not a question of sex clubs or responsibility or education,o/oo said Max. "What we really want is to turn back the clock to the days of carefree, casual sex. I want to be a slut again.o/oo

"You,re too old and ugly to be a slut,o/oo Bob said. "You,re blind without your bifocals and your dentures flap in a mild breeze.o/oo

"I love your splotchy bald head and those cute tufts of hair sprouting from your ears.o/oo

"Just tell yourself, OENo more sex.,o/oo

"Easy for you to say. With your crypto you can,t have sex without crapping all over your partner.o/oo

"You,re still ruled by your dick, and your dick will always want more.o/oo

Max took Bob,s arm. "Do you see that man over there in the corner?o/oo

"That child?o/oo

"I had sex with him last week.o/oo

"Is he blind? Where,d you meet him?

"At the movies. You know.o/oo

"Yeah, sure. Over on, yeah.o/oo

"Yeah.o/oo

"Slut.o/oo

"Will you please cram the slut stuff? PWHIV,s ~ "

"Oh God.o/oo

"PWHIV,s are entitled to sex lives, Bob.o/oo Max grew suddenly serious.

"Responsible sex lives with informed partners, Max.o/oo Bob could be serious too. "It,s not like having sex when you were negative and could lie about everything.o/oo

Max finished his martini and sulked.

Bob sneaked another glance at the young man across the bar. "So how was it? Safe sex and all?o/oo

Max pursed his lips. "Bartender, darling, two more here.o/oo

"Max, my oldest, dearest and only still living friend, please tell me you used a rubber.o/oo

"Rubbers don,t feel as good as the real thing and I,m tired of pretending that they do.o/oo

"Max.o/oo

"They reduce my pleasure.o/oo

"Why not use a burlap bag?o/oo

"Bob.o/oo

"Then you could pull the rubber over your head.o/oo

"You,re a skinny old prude who hasn,t had sex in centuries. You don,t understand.o/oo

Bob took his friend,s hand. "I understand, sweetheart. I just don,t sympathize.o/oo

They sipped from their fresh drinks. Bob ate his olive.

"You know,o/oo Max whispered, "he swallowed my cum, that boy did.o/oo

"No. No.o/oo

"I used all my body language to tell him not to.o/oo

"Did you use your mouth? Why didn,t you just tell him you have AIDS?o/oo

"I do not have AIDS! I,m HIV positive asymptomatic. I have hundreds of T-cells.o/oo

"Tell that to the kid.o/oo

"The kid is an adult who is responsible for his own actions and well-being. And if he is negative, what,s he doing going down on people at the movies? He said he wanted me to give it to him. He spit it all out right away. People say swallowing won,t infect you because saliva kills the virus, so what,s the problem?o/oo

Bob rested his face in one hand. "Are we really going to have this conversation again? God, every five years.o/oo

Max began. "No one,s jumping up and down about straight PWA,s having public sex. Jesse Helms isn,t demanding that infected hemophiliacs give it all up. Only the gays, the dirty, nasty perverts. We asked for it. Oh yes. Please, please give me a terminal disease so that I can live on disability and welfare and never have sex again. No one told Jesse he couldn,t have bypass surgery because he chose to eat crap food and smoke tobacco all his life, did they! Don,t you look at me like that, Bob. That young man was the first sex I,ve had in months. Double digit months. And he propositioned me. All the other men I meet are negative. Every single one of them. And they,re fussy fussy fussy, like their asses are lined with gold and their dicks shoot vodka tonics. It,s a fucking limited world I live in, Bob, and it gets smaller every year. So don,t you judge me.o/oo

"If we won,t judge ourselves, who will?o/oo Bob asked.

"I don,t know. What will it matter in a hundred years? Most things don,t matter after twenty minutes.o/oo

"The religious right could judge us.o/oo

"Oh let he who is without sin.o/oo

"Or the Republicans or the Christian Coalition ~ "

"Oh shut up shut up.o/oo

"Or the Catholics or the health departments or the FDA or the CDC. We,ll just pretend that you couldn,t be arrested in several states for that kind of behavior.o/oo

"It,s not a crime to be HIV positive,o/oo Max insisted.

"But why isn,t it a crime to be careless and stupid?o/oo

Long sips of fragrant gin, until Max said, "Poor Bob. When was the last time you got laid?o/oo

"1981.o/oo

"God. Really? Was it good?o/oo

"Fabulous. Me and Rock Hudson on a beach on Catalina Island.o/oo

"I,m not so sure I believe that.o/oo

"You have to have faith.o/oo

They drank a little more, contemplating past sexual encounters and dimly remembered faces.

"Damn,o/oo Bob said, "I forgot my Welbutrin.o/oo

"I have Prozac.o/oo

"I hate Prozac. It,s so gauche. Got any Ativan?o/oo

"Too weak.o/oo

"Yeah.o/oo

They sighed.

"Max,o/oo said Bob, "sweetheart, angel love. Are you going to eat that olive?o/oo

"No, honey. Take it.o/oo

Bob did and ordered two more drinks, which was past their limit.

Paul Walker is a volunteer in the publications department at PWAC NY.

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