grieving in the desert

by Luis López Detrés

From August 24 to 27, the National Minority AIDS Council (NMAC) held a Conference called National People of Color Living with HIV Leadership Forum. The forum was designed in the form of a spiritual retreat and took place in the desert of Paulden, Arizona.

This leadership forum was designed for and by existing and emerging leaders who are HIV positive or living with AIDS, in a relaxing and enjoyable environment designed to inspire and connect the participants with the elements. As NMAC promised, it was "a place to stop and get away from the OErat race,, to re-energize and recommit to yourself, to your friends, to your family and to your community.o/oo

In this forum there were approximately 40 to 50 people from different parts of the United States and most of them had decided to relax spiritually for the whole weekend.

In this respect, I have to say that the conference succeeded in making us reevaluate what we are doing, and whether we want to continue working in this field. If so, what can we do differently not just in terms of other people living with AIDS/HIV, but also ourselves?

I was personally going through a period of depression and grieving due to a recent breakup. In fact, I,m still grieving. The desert forced me to think, meditate and develop better tools for grieving and healing. I could not run away or go on denying my own personal wounds and broken heart, as usually happens in the city. Even when we grieve in the city we do it at a slower pace due to the stress, distractions, shallowness and denial of the mundane daily life in the city. This just prolongs our pain, increases our stress and makes our lives not worth living. We need to grieve honestly before we can let go, and go on.

Before I went to the desert I never understood why even the Bible alludes so much to the desert. The powerful experience of being in the infinite, beautiful, quiet and secluded desert provided me with much thought about organizing and understanding myself, and getting new purpose in life. It made me feel like a monk. I have to admit I was first afraid of rattlesnakes, but thank God none crossed my path. There were other kinds of snakes I needed to get rid of, and anyway I have encountered many more snakes and scorpions back in the city. I have had trouble recognizing them, especially the poisonous ones.

On the morning of August 25, I walked with a group of people to a mountaintop. There we found the remains of an old native Indian sanctuary. I prepared myself by wearing a Native American earring and holding a stick in hand for the journey. I also wore a medicine bag around my neck, which was a gift to all of us from the facilities where we were staying. Everybody got a different rock inside with a particular emblem to invoke. I believe that people have a path to follow, so I think I got the rock I was supposed to. I got the Wolf, which means, "prey is usually old or sick. Keeps a species strong by eliminating the weak. Invoke Wolf to help us eliminate our own weaknesses and non-productive thoughts that weaken the spirit.o/oo I thought this was a very appropriate rock for me and just having it helped me overcome some thoughts.

Once in the sanctuary, one of the guys had a crystal rock and was burning sage for cleaning. The majesty of the desert made me get involved, and even when I did not believe in this kind of practice, the need for healing and rituals made me ask him to borrow it to clean and obtain healing for myself. There is something about the desert that, even being physically alone, you feel the presence of something you can,t see, but that makes you feel comfortable and connected with yourself. At least this was my experience. I thought a lot about how much easier it would probably have been to be HIV negative, that maybe my relationship would not have ended, that it would have been different and constructive if I just had been negative. But later on I was relieved, I felt strong and able to handle things, as painful as they might be.

That afternoon I and my friends Carlos, Moisés, and Jesús decided to go on an adventure to explore Sedona. This place is well known for its Red Rock mountain formations and as a magnetic center where all energies re-encounter. You get this vision of how old the world is, how things come and go while these mountains remain and the panorama absorbs you in many thoughts about your own vulnerability, especially if you have AIDS/HIV and are hurting.

On Sunday August 27, Carlos, Moisés, Jesús and I hit the road once again, this time on our way to the Grand Canyon. Once in the area we went to the Sony Imax to see a movie about this place. The theatre and the movie were breathtaking. I even wondered if it was necessary to go and see for ourselves since the movie seemed to be enough. Anyway we decided to proceed and see with our own eyes what the greatness of this Grand Canyon was all about.

In my life I never experienced what I experienced flying in a plane over the Grand Canyon. My life has been changed forever. I felt compelled by the majesty of this amazing place. I felt I belonged in the Grand Canyon mystery. I did not know if I should cry, laugh or just die. After this experience I understood that life is worth living for moments like this, in spite of all the suffering and agony we go through. There must be other places I should see before dying, but dying at that moment was perfectly OK. I understood I have been afraid of dying of AIDS, because AIDS is unpredictable. Even when you are certain that you will die from it, you just don,t know when or how. But the Grand Canyon will be there after me, as it has been before. Somehow this comforted me.

It was hard for my friends Carlos and Moisés to understand why at times during the weekend I was absorbed and quiet and not laughing or paying attention to some of their jokes. They knew I was grieving but they wanted me to be there with them. And truly, I was there, but I could not be in denial of my wounds. I had a hemorrhage in my heart and my soul, and I was taking care of putting in some stitches to help me let go and go on. It is still to see if the scars of such grief will live on.

Many thoughts came to my mind like: Nobody can fill anybody,s needs, neither to be happy nor help anybody to be happy if you are not willing to give and absorb happiness and understand your own weaknesses and insecurities. I understood how much I have to give to everybody and what a disservice people do to themselves when they run away from me because I am HIV positive. And it is not like I can,t say that there is nothing wrong with me. But is it better to be with someone negative just because they are negative? Does that enhance and make relationships longer and fulfilling? Is being HIV negative the promise of a long healthy happy life? I think I deserve to love and to be loved, and I am worth a chance. A nice guy who was at the conference and works for GMHC wrote me a card to help me deal with what I was going through:

Always make time for
you to love you. Take
the time to discover the
beautiful man inside that
the rest of the world sees.

He also put this poem in the card:

Relationship by Sandra Sanyiki Chapman

I need to be with me now.
I need to let myself love me deeply,
Care for me tenderly,
Help me carefully.
I need to take me in my arms,
Rock myself into a deep sleep,
and rest until my spirit rises
renewed and willed for a work
long overdue.

Thinking back over this weekend, I can,t say I had a great time as a boy who went dancing. Healing is a process that requires thinking and meditating on painful thoughts. It requires us to recognize that we are suffering. Somehow being in the desert helps you clear your thoughts and dissipate some of the pain. It reminds me of stories in the Bible about the desert ~ the desert, a place where even in the presence of my troubled loneliness, I never felt lonely.

Then I woke up to reality in the city and I had a thought, "Am I going to die soon? Am I going to let this broken heart bleed to death?o/oo "No,o/oo I answered myself. "I,m not dying yet, I still have work to do. And I will love again ... someday.o/oo

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