You finally did it - after your own struggle with coming out, first to yourself and then to the world, perhaps after dates and involvements with all the wrong people (in all the wrong places) - you have fallen in love! And s/he loves you back!
You set up house (or co-op or condo). You build a life. To friends who knew you as Sheila or Jim, you know become Sheila-and-Joyce or Jim-and-Frank. You even introduce your lover (you just love using that word!) to your family and co-workers, something you never dreamed would happen when you were 19 and feeling like the only gay person in the universe.
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It's a great feeling. And when the relationship grows and lasts, and months turn into years, the initial heady feeling of being "in loveo/oo settles into a comfortable familiarity, with private jokes about mundane things and a shared intimacy. Of course there are tough times and struggles. But as time goes on, you know that this is your life partner. And for lesbians and gay men, this can be doubly wonderful because it represents our right and ability to love fully and deeply, in spite of overwhelming odds.
And then...the bottom of your world drops out. Your lover dies. And the partner who confirmed your identity as a person able to love is no longer there. And you wonder, what in the world do I do now?
special meanings
Every research study done on stress has consistently reported the death of a close relative, especially a spouse, as the most stressful passage in life. This is true for straight as well as gay people. Yet although our mourning is similar, it is also different in some significant ways.
First, as I pointed out above, joining your life with a lover is a developmental step for may lesbians and gay men. It confirms our ability to love. And love is a many-splendored thing when you grow up thinking it is wrong or will never happen. Unlike our straight brothers and sisters, when we present our lovers and our shared lives together to the world, it is an act of coming out, of pride, of identity. This is as true when we appear as a couple to the supermarket check-out person as it is when we visit Aunt Harriet or Uncle Ted.
For lesbians and gay men who are not out to family or to coworkers, this loss can be especially hard because it is not fully shared. Expression of sympathy and respect for your need to mourn are not forthcoming. This silence is difficult because it doesn,t acknowledge that the center of your life is missing.
To lose a spouse is an enormous loss for anyone. But for lesbians and gay men, this loss also entails the loss of a built identity, for ourselves as individuals and as part of a lesbian or gay couple.
lack of recognition
For lesbians and gay men who are not out to family or to coworkers, this loss can be especially hard because it is not fully shared. Expressions of sympathy and respect for your need to mourn are not forthcoming. This silence is difficult because it doesn,t acknowledge that the center of your life is missing.
All too often, those who are out in the world become aware that the straight community doesn,t acknowledge or recognize the full importance of the loss. This can be reflected in practical matters, such as the company,s bereavement leave policies, or in personal ways, such as silence from extended family or an expectation that you should be "moving ono/oo more quickly.
Partly, this reflects society,s general discomfort with death. But it also reflects homophobia. This can be direct, as painfully demonstrated in the scene from Torch Song Trilogy when Harvey Fierstein,s mother is angered at his equating the loss of his partner with the loss of her husband. Or it can be subtle, as when co-workers don,t know "what to say,o/oo or when they casually and thoughtlessly talk about their marriages in a way that would be more sensitive and thoughtful with a straight widow or widower.
our own rituals
One outcome of the AIDS crisis has been an awareness of the need for rituals to mourn our losses. Whereas the concept of a memorial service is not new, many AIDS memorials have become highly personal (sometimes theatrical, sometimes political) in ways far removed from traditional observances. Paradoxically, AIDS memorials often came about due to the need to have a ritual for the deceased,s gay family apart from the straight family. Invariably, these memorials have emphasized the person,s gayness, loving relationships with members of the same-sex, and connection with a community.
These rituals should not be limited to AIDS. There indeed is a need to remember and celebrate the struggle to develop a gay/lesbian identity, and the loving connections that come with this. Lovers, ex-lovers and friends can share and remember. When there is no specific ritual to enact this, it is important to do it privately with those who knew the deceased.
the initial shock
Nothing quite prepares you for the sudden realization that your lover is no longer physically in the world. Even when there has been a preparation for the death, as with AIDS and other terminal illnesses, you can,t really know what it is like until it happens.
Some people feel tremendous grief and sorrow. Others feel nothing at first. It is very important not to judge your immediate reaction as your full response to the loss, because bereavement is a process rather than an event. One common feeling is dissociation, a feeling of not being in the real world. You have literally lost a part of yourself, the part that joined with your lover as a unit. The experience is akin to having an amputation. Actually, the business side of death (attending to funerals, notifying friends and family, dealing with estates) provides a focus for the grieving person. Many people are amazed at the survivor,s ability to attend to these matters. It makes sense when you realize that this is a way of still caring for and about the lover who died.
feelings
A whole host of feelings gradually emerges. Although many experts identify stages of mourning, my experience has been that the varied emotions come up differently for different people. Depression and sadness over the loss is universal, but for some it is a constant feeling, while for others it is intermittent. Numbness and dissociation occur frequently as well. There can be a sense of living in two worlds, the everyday world that goes on and your own private world of grief.
You can also feel angry, angry at your lover for leaving you, angry at the world for not caring enough, and specifically angry over AIDS and homophobia. The anger may be clear and direct, or it can come out irrationally at other people,s preoccupation with unimportant things.
None of these feelings is wrong. They are all reactions to the loss. And you are not going crazy when they come up all at once or at different times. If the depression deepens, causing more serious dysfunction, you should consider seeing a therapist or possibly a psychiatrist who may prescribe antidepressant medication. But depression and reduced functions are normative after a death, and don,t usually lift after the first few weeks.
holding on versus moving on
You will get repeated messages from concerned friends and family to "move on.o/oo Don,t. My experience is that it,s very appropriate to have a period of time where you "hold ontoo/oo the person who,s died. Some people "talko/oo to their lovers when they,re alone and missing them. Others have dreams where the lover is still alive. It,s important to give special emphasis to things that remind you of your lover. One client of mine prepared a special dish that his lover had made every Thanksgiving. Another played his lover,s favorite CD repeatedly before going to sleep. Although these rituals evoke pain, they also value the person who has died, and focus on his or her life rather than only on death and loss.
the role of support
Likewise, it is important to give yourself as much time as you need to talk about your lover with your friends and with those who knew him or her. This meets a need not only for you but for the others left behind as well.
Sadly, you will find that some friends will not be able to join with you in this. They may be uncomfortable with death or with your need to remember. They also will be moving on sooner than you will, which can be painful because it leaves you feeling more alone than ever.
It can be helpful to reach out to other people who have also lost important people in their lives. They often can be the most understanding. This is why bereavement groups have been so helpful, especially around AIDS. Many gay community, social service and religious groups sponsor bereavement programs. If a group is not gay or lesbian-specific, find out if it is gay-sensitive.
time
Although it is a small comfort at the moment of loss, the old dictum that the passage of time causes the loss to be less intense is true. 
But it is usually a much longer period of time than expected. And you never completely forget the lover, nor should you. Your love was a reflection of growth and development for each of you as individuals and as a couple. If you loved together, you overcame homophobia and fear to do that. So the loss will be felt periodically ~ as at anniversaries ~ and also unexpectedly. It is tempered but not eliminated by the knowledge that if you have loved, you have also allowed your lover to become a part of yourself. That blended part should continue to value yourself as a full person with the human right to have genuine and caring love in your life.
Stephen McFadden, CSW, ACSW, is the Executive Director of London Terrace Psychotherapy services, a gay and lesbian therapy practice in the Chelsea section of New York City. He provides individual, couple and group therapy, with a specialization in relationship issues.
Reprinted from Network, May 1995
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